Newton’s Law of Breakups - Annie McFarland

I just can’t help it. . .I have to ask. Many of you know, I was a giant asshole to The Hammer after our breakup but karma is a bitch and that day, karma was named Annie! And honestly, I am not looking for a pass on my bad behavior, I’m just looking at this as more of a learning experience.

In the midst of a breakup, what is the expectation of what you should do with their shit? 

I suppose the proper thing to do would be to box it up and arrange a time to deliver their goods. Personally, I believe that rule only applies when you start with two reasonable people and a mutual breakup or at the very least a respectable breakup. 

But what if it is a terrible breakup? A cheating breakup? A shocking breakup? 

What if the other person acted in a way that was far from respectable? Are you still expected to be the bigger person when the other person is very clearly a small person so any behavior you exhibit ultimately counts as being the bigger person because they are so small? 

Historically, I have always taken the high road. I have been the bigger person so many times and let me tell y’all. . .it’s exhausting and I’m pretty well over it. 

One previous ex that pops to mind: incredible relationship, seriously committed, engagement ring had been purchased but not given, move in together plans had been made when BOOM! It all fell apart one fateful day when he picked our first fight, he left and I never heard from him again. Remember when I said move in plans had been made? Like. . .we were in the process of moving in together so boxes and boxes of his shit were at my house, literally on the verge of beginning out lives together. Even in this moment, I still took the high road. I called several times asking him to come pick up his shit. He never replied. 

Well. . .after 5 months, what was a girl to do? Except join the neighborhood garage sale, dump ALL of his shit on the lawn and sell it for a dollar. Might I add that his dental diploma was sold for $1 that day so never fully believe your dentists framed credentials, he may have bought them for a buck at a yard sale! 

Oh. . and if you are curious, he was living with another girl three months after he walked out and this was the guy that I wanted someone to shit in his car. . . maybe now you understand that desire a little bit more. I swear I am not fully crazy, I just have a really bad picker. They behave badly and I react accordingly, that’s all!

Anyway, bringing us back to current day. . .I truly believe there are really only two intelligent options regarding breakups and shit.
1)    if you are about to break up with someone in a dickhole manner, get your shit out of the house BEFORE you do it because dickhole behavior is like Newton’s Law of Motion. . .there WILL BE an equal and opposite reaction. 
2)    Don’t be a dickhole during the breakup and again. . . Newton’s Law applies. Be kind, allow understanding and communication, maybe bring a little starbucks coffee as a peace offering and guess what. . .I will react in the same way. . .with kindness, understanding and communication. 

Given that there are millions of movies, videos and TV shows out there showing scorned women throwing his shit out the window or burning it one drunken night with girlfriends, I know I am not alone in my Newton’s theory. I feel that most people, men and women would appreciate a better breakup, an option two breakup so let’s band together and start a movement and let’s call it the No Dickhole Breakup. . .basically, if you want to get your shit back then don’t be a dickhole. . .simple as that!

Who’s with me? 

-Annie